Ugh, TikTok? More Like Tick-Tock Goes the Sound of My Patience Running Out

Seriously, people, are we okay? I swear, if I see one more "dance trend" performed by someone who clearly hasn't danced since the Macarena was considered cutting edge, I'm going to spontaneously combust. Is this what the internet was invented for? Endless scrolling, questionable life hacks involving toothpaste and… well, everything, and enough choreographed flailing to make a Zumba instructor weep?

My thumb is developing carpal tunnel just thinking about those endless videos. I'm pretty sure my phone is starting to judge me. It’s giving me that “are you really going to watch another one of these?” vibration. And honestly? It has a point.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate a good laugh. I enjoy a clever meme as much as the next person (probably more, let’s be real). But TikTok? It's like the internet equivalent of that one friend who's always just a little too enthusiastic. They mean well, but after five minutes you’re hiding in the bathroom pretending you have an urgent call from your "accountant" about "crucial investments."

And the life hacks! Oh, the life hacks. Apparently, you can clean your microwave with a lemon and some… checks notes…ancient Sumerian incantation? You can unclog your drains with a mixture of baking soda, vinegar, and the tears of a unicorn? Look, I'm all for efficiency, but some of these hacks seem more likely to summon a demon than a clean kitchen. I'm starting to suspect that half of these "hacks" are just elaborate pranks orchestrated by Big Lemon and the Unicorn Union.

So, consider this my official declaration of digital independence. My feed is officially cleansed. I'm yeeting this app into the digital abyss. I’m going to rediscover the joy of… checks notes again …reading a book? Talking to actual humans? Maybe even learning how to knit. Anything is better than another 15-second clip of someone lip-syncing to a song I've never heard of while doing a dance I'll never learn.

Bye, Felicia. ✌️ I’m going to go outside and touch some grass. Or maybe just scroll through Instagram. Baby steps, people, baby steps.